It’s amazing really, the fear that new love can stir up. The fear of failure, the fear of repeated mistakes, the fear of being hurt or abandoned. It all comes to the surface for me in some way. I’m one of those anomalies who believes in and plans to hold out for a truly wonderful and incredible love. One that is both comfortable and exciting, full of fun and adventure, but supportive and grounded as well. I believe it is possible and I believe that I am capable of being one half of that relationship.
I value truth above anything else and am maybe too open. Maybe that is intimidating. I have a habit of dating emotionally unavailable men. Men that think that buying me something pretty is equal to spending time with me or that making some sort of grand gesture will get them “off the hook” because apparently being emotionally connected is some sort of “hook” or burden. All of them would say they loved me and many of them would say that they still do, but that kind of love is not at all what I am after. I don’t want the detachment, the arguments, the begging for support or attention, the endless amounts of energy that I end up investing because I think I can somehow make-up for what they aren’t putting into the relationship.
So now love has become harder. I have standards. With these standards has come shorter relationships and sadly a constant voice in the back of my mind analyzing any and all red flags. But I like my standards. They have prevented me from suffering through months or years of emotional heartache, from any more abuse that I’m too good to have endured at any point, or from any more liars and cheaters. But the fear, the memory of that hurt is still here.
Sometimes you meet someone and even though you try to keep distance by going on “not-dates” (as I like to call them), instead of dates, you find yourself falling. And it’s funny to think that you could confidently say that you love them solely because of the presence of your fear. That voice in your head comes out to play saying things like, “you fall too quickly” and “he’s going to lose interest in you” and “what if this doesn’t work out?”
Instead of listening to this voice, who is clearly only talking to me because I am starting to invest myself emotionally, I’ve decided to forget about it. Yes, I have been excited about a relationship before. Yes, I have dismissed red flags. Yes, I have broken my fair share of hearts. Yes, my heart has been broken. Yes, I have made bad judgement calls, and you know what? I choose not to care. Forget fear, forget heartbreak, forget planning something that cannot be planned, forget trying to predict, forget excuses, forget playing it safe, forget the idea of failure, and forget striving for perfection. Love is not perfect. It is messy, it is scary, it is unpredictable, but goddamn is it wonderful when you’re in the throws of it… and me, all I want is wonderful.